did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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