I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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