I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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