I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
