i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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