Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
BRING THE BAGELS
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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