That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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