You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am naked and annoyed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
