Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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