i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
