This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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