You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
