How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
