I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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