Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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