last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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