he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Blood and glitter go together right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Randomize
