It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
