Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
