I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
