I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize