I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
