When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize