he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Randomize
