i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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