I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
