I wish you could order shots online.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
