i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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