I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
