She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
