i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
