Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
