her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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