Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
