the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
