I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
