I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
