I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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