Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
