Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
