He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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