I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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