I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
