Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
