At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
