Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
