I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
