Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
