never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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