How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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