Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
