you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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