He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
