Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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