Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
