Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His nipple licking is glorious
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