Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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