remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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