why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
