how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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